What It Means To Walk By Faith!

It's been a long time since I wrote a post, but I feel like this needs to be said.

I am pregnant.

My last pregnancy was almost 13 years ago and I'll be 39 in 2 months.

I also have systemic mastocytosis, high blood pressure & asthma.

I have had a few people question me on my pregnancy.

To some people I may seem crazy or stupid or selfish.

They do not know the whole story.

I believe in God. I believe He has a plan for all of us.

That plan rarely looks like we think it should. 

But I am a firm believer in going where He leads me. It has been a hard journey but greatness has come out of it.

So who am I to question his motives.

Some of you know I have a son with Aspergers.

We have struggled for a long 10 years of anger, depression, fighting & panic. There is NO WAY in those years, that I could have had the time & energy for any other child.(But none of this ever crossed my mind because I was perfectly satisfied with ONLY 2 kids.)

After much growing(on my part), my son & I are now very close. Something I am very happy about. He is a blessing and I would not trade all those years of struggle.

Since then I have been bombarded with a "feeling"...more like someone "pushing" me, to want another child. This is insanity, and people close to me know I'm not baby crazy & never have been. It was this still small voice I kept hearing. I could only think one thing. God never placed this desire on my heart before, because my son needed all my attention. Except, NOW....seemed so ridiculous! Why would God lead me in this direction when He knows full well, I'm not in a good place with my health AND I'm getting old!

I was bitter....and I DO mean bitter!! 

How dare he.

The voice never went away...it only got stronger.

So I finally decided I'd follow WHEREVER he leads me.

My hubby wasn't so sure, but he trusted in MY faith.

This journey to get here was not easy either.

It was definitely a test of faith.

Going off continuous hormones, has been rough on my mastocytosis symptoms & each month I got sicker & sicker, but I was not going to lose my faith.

In June, I suffered from a blighted ovum and miscarried. I was discouraged, and was ready to leave that path & take the easy way out & go back on hormone replacement so I could feel "good" again.

But that small voice got louder...."follow MY path".

So come August, when I got that positive test finally....I knew I was on the path that God laid out for me.

It is not easy and will be harder and harder, but I KNOW I am walking by faith and I will continue to do so for as long as I breathe.